Hero?

I will never escape this hell
A happy life I will never see
I was ordered to take a life
Had I not, would it have taken me?
This question haunts my dreams
It’s the only thing I can feel
My rage is fueled by this misery
Every emotion is as cold as steel
In doing what I was trained
A metal was my reward
I was sent home a hero
Then this hero was ignored
With no where for me to run to
Whose help will put me at ease?
Can I find the answer in this bottle?
Or will death finally set me free